Autism: The Word Changed Everything In My Life

It only took one word to turn an already bad day to change everything in my life. Autism.

At the same time, it explained so much.

I’ve always known there was something odd about me. I’ve always known I’m not quite normal.

“What is normal anyway?” A lot of people have said that over the years.

I have trouble interacting with people. My sister realized from the time I was a newborn I was miserable with formula apparently hurting my stomach.

She told my parents when I was as young as 4 “there’s something wrong.” My parents shrugged her off.

Parents never want anything to be “wrong” with their child. When parents are in the middle of tumultuous marriage, it’s hard to focus on a troubled kid

A couple months ago, my sister finally said the word that explained everything. Autism. To be more correct, it’s Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).

Boys and Girls Present Differently

Though I haven’t been formally diagnosed, I check almost every box.

As I read more I realized it presents differently in females as kids than males. According to a paper published by the National Institute of Health, males are more likely to be diagnosed on the spectrum than females at a rate of 4 to 1.

Another interesting tidbit I found is that autism is linked with gastrointestinal issues. Part of that is because the stomach has its own nerves that are extremely sensitive. And most people use the term “nervous stomach” to explain away that the emotions a person experiences affects their gut. I looked it up and the remedy for nervous stomach is literally lifestyle changes.

Here’s the problem with that: yes, we have a certain amount of control over how we react and deal with things even if we’re high functioning, anxiety, depression and autism are all things that are occurring because of the chemistry between abnormal in the brain. It’s known now as neurodivergent. However, someone called it “neurospicy,” and I like that.
We can’t change things the structure of our brains.

Not only does autism present differently in young females, but the testing process lends to it seeming to be more prevalent in males.

“Autistic females without intellectual disabilities (ID) are also more likely to have intact play and imitation skills, which are often considered core impairments in ASD,” the paper notes while citing another source. This means only girls who have intellectual disabilities in addition to ASD end up getting diagnosed with ASD as children.

We know girls and boys develop differently and this includes brain development. According to Psychology Today, autistic women tend to work harder to be sociable and have a greater grasp on social issues, but still have difficulties maintaining friendships.

The Psychology Today article additionally points out that females have one thing in common with males is an obsession with gathering facts and repetitive behaviors. However, females focus more on mainstream items like celebrities, pop culture, and things parents often consider “normal.”

This makes so much sense to me, because I remember I had one an international Cabbage Patch doll I adopted who was from the Netherlands (supposedly) and at 9, I became fascinated with the country. I wanted to grow tulips. I read about the Netherlands in the encyclopedia (reading the encyclopedia was a hobby I had anyway). I always wanted to go. And in college, I studied there and one of the first things I did was to visit the Keukenhof Gardens in Lisse, which was in full bloom with tulips in almost every color of the rainbow.

Knowing why I find small talk exhausting, get anxious at parties, and feel claustrophobic with large gatherings of people makes sense now. I can’t change the way people saw me for 44 years, believing I was some sort of snob or jerk who either didn’t say anything or the wrong thing. I carry the scars of bullying that pushed me to suicide as a young teen.

I realize now it’s even the reason why I have trouble making and keeping friends. It’s affected romantic relationships, because I can’t communicate effectively. Maybe deep down, it’s the reason I can’t be with the man I love now.

The trauma is part of me. Knowing part of why it exists helps me untangle it to heal. And maybe somehow, I can find a way to be happy.

The knowledge of finding out I’m most likely on the spectrum is a mixed bag. I have to be officially tested, which is difficult as an adult. It also adds another wrinkle to the issue of whether I can actually work again. I know a lot of people with ASD are successfully employed. My issue has more to do with PTSD, intense anxiety, and difficulties with social interaction.